I just realized I never shared this on the blog (mainly for my own sake I would like to take some time to revisit what I can remember of that time.) I would also like to dedicate this post to our friend Lizzie Gasser, who will never get to tell her own birth story (she died 2 weeks after having major complications on March 29, 2020 after delivering baby Juniper via c-section.) No doubt, Lizzie’s story will be told to her baby girl by her wonderful, God fearing father - but not how we had hoped. Live free Lizzie!
Mid August 2018 - We were starting to get excited for our 3rd child to join our family. We didn’t know if it was a boy or girl and had plenty of stuff for either gender. Her due date came and went. I waited about a week (avoiding the doctor) and then headed down for a visit. The doctor said everything seemed good but since we were pushing past baby girls due date (although I’m still not sure how accurate my due date was- I may have been wrong in my calculations and we know sonograms aren’t always accurate) he ordered a very advanced sonogram. He said if everything came back normal I was free to wait another week. I went and did that and from what I could read everything looked clear (because here in the DR you get to read your own results first… I won’t recommend this - your results and google can open a world of tragic endings…) ANYWAY. I texted my doctor the results. I waited a few hours thinking everything was good and we would be waiting another week to make any major decisions (this was August 27, 2018). When I got to my house my friend Dam was with me and she called the doctor to confirm the results were clear. The doctor then said there were some concerns with the quality and amount of fluid and that the umbilical cord is wrapped around her neck. I should plan to come tomorrow ready to have a baby, or just do a few stress tests and head back home.
Then hit the anxiety, I don’t really struggle with that much, but the fear of the unknown can be hard when I don’t see any options of control. I think I harbor pride in my health also - thinking I can do anything I put my mind to. I believe my body is strong, that I am healthy, that I have control of so much more than I truly do. That I can have babies naturally, drug free, blah blah. I always said I would want a c-section if need be but I don’t think I believed I would ever have too. We arrived at the hospital in Santiago, Dominican Republic the next morning, maybe around 9, Josh and Dam came with me. Dam is not a doula, but a very good friend and able to translate. I was ushered into a delivery room and they monitored baby’s heart rate for about 20 minutes. This was in the mornings-ish. Maybe 11. After a bit more time. The doctor came in around 12:30 or 1ish and we started to discuss the situation. He explained he would like to see Letti born soon. We had 2 options C-sections or induction. Getting induced did not seem like a good option, to this day I still wrestle with this, feeling like I should have tried but remembering we made the best decision we felt we could live with. It was for health of baby Letti that we chose that day to have a c-section. The doctor left the room at 2:00pm after much discussion and many tears. I asked as he was leaving when I should plan on the baby coming. He stated, “in the next 30 minutes”. OH Wow- that was not enough time to google all my questions - Quickly I changed into my gown. My IV was inserted. Next was the most difficult point, the anesthesiologist would not allow Josh to come with me. I put on a table and they gave me the epidural. It was lonely, it was scary, I couldn’t find comfort in the nurses due to the language barrier. I felt so helpless and yet there was so much to be thankful for and so much to be excited about- but I couldn’t get on top of the situation mentally - I was still trying to process that this whole situation was really happening; I was going to meet my baby in just a few minutes. I just wasn’t prepared for it all. As I am realizing about myself lately, the anticipation of life is the best part for me. I like to be prepared and knowledgeable in what is coming so I can find an option of the hope that it can bring, or the happiness. I know how to have babies naturally. I had no idea for a c-section. I knew how to recover and what to expect afterwards. With a c-section I had no idea. In a vaginal birth I felt in control- I push, I breathe, I coach myself, I walk around, I take a shower, I laugh, I drink water, I breathe a lot more. BUT here I was relying on the Lord to be my strength- easy to say, HARD to do in times of grief and unknowns.
Anyway, everything went smooth, they administered the epidural. It worked wonderfully. Josh and the doctored joined the OR within a few minutes. I remember the doctor bringing his speaker and had some soothing but upbeat music. Josh watched as baby Letti was born in a whole new array of emotions. I was peaceful, I was calm, I was excited, I was just waiting, no pain, just anticipation. I have no pictures from that moment but Josh said it was the most amazing thing to watch her be born in this way. I wish for so many things to be different but am settling into finding the beauty in this birth story. I am thankful Josh was able to be there and watched her being born. We were so excited to welcome a sister for Oliver and Elana into the family and trusting God has a plan for her greater than anything we can come up with. I was able to hold her immediately. She had no problem nursing and loving on her mommy. They took her to be checked and cared for and then I headed to the recovery area (I call it an area because it is just a waiting room with about 8-10 other beds. I believe they do this so they can monitor patients more closely. I was able to see , hold, and nurse Letti a few more times during that time but mostly she was in the nursery. Josh and Dam were able to be with me the whole time I believe. I was also frustrated during this time and it was unexpected and different. I was maybe in recovery a few hours and then headed up to our room. Josh ended up sick and the first night was a bit rough, Letti was with us from the point we got the room til we headed home on August 30th. My mom flew in and was able to help Angi with the kids on August 29. Little Letti was born on Tuesday August 28, 2018 at 2:30 pm. She weighted 7 1/4 pounds and was 21 inches long. She was perfect. She had a perfectly round little head. She was difficult the first few nights. She didn’t always sleep well and it is hard to know how much she was eating, but she was ours. Josh helped as I struggled to sit up, As a struggled to go to the bathroom, as we struggled to explain anything to nurses and understand doctors in Spanish. I struggled to understand what recover was going to be like. I struggled to understand restrictions and how to care for my body but take good care of my new baby and 2 other kids. I struggled to know what pain killers to take. I was afraid to take too much in fear it would be passed to Letti. I struggle to know if she would be negatively affected by a c-section (her health. her bonding).
But now, as it is a memory that I reflect on a year and a half later. I am thankful. I am thankful I can relate a bit more to mothers that have had c-sections. I am thankful I am able to say God heals. I am thankful that God gave me is strength again. I am thankful I had help from neighbors, the community of Jarabacoa, my mom, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, MY HUSBAND, my God, and so many others - Our friend and nanny Angi. I am thankful for the medical staff that took care of me at HOMS in Santiago. I am thankful for the pain killers that were able to give my body a chance to heal and allow me to move. I am thankful for life. I am thankful for those who gave advice and different resources I was able to use on google. I am thankful I could text my doctor with questions. I am thankful for little Letti “Ann” Ramsier and her life in our family.
Now Letti is a toddler. Her smile invites the room into joy. Her voice and words make a person laugh. Her ability to walk and do so many things still makes me in awe of how big God is to create life inside of a mother’s womb; but it also leads me to still beg the question WHY.
Why did everything end up so smoothly? Why does every birth story not have a happy ending? Why do others have to suffer? Why do some moms not get to recover here on earth and tell their own birth stories? Why do some children never get to know their birth stories? Why are some babies never born to live and toddle the earth? Why is there so much pain and grief? Is it God’s plan? Is it Satan’s influence? Is it our sin? I have come to a place, that there are many VERY hard questions I have no answers to. Does my joy inflict pain on those that have sorrow in these experiences? I pray not. I pray my story only lends to the knowledge that God heals, maybe not in this life everything in every way, but He heals in His Story. His Story is His Glory- not my Healing.
No comments:
Post a Comment